3 Things My Kids Taught Me About Respect
Some lessons I wouldn’t have learned without them.
Hi. You know what one frog said to the other? He said, “Time’s sure fun when you’re having flies.” In fact, whether you’re frog or human, time flies. This seems never truer than when raising kids. One moment they’re running into things with toy cars. The next moment they’re running into things with actual cars. Eh, practice makes perfect.
But this is about respect and there are different kinds of respect. When your children are young, you’re happy if they show respect. That is, if they respect your wishes, defer to your immense wisdom and experience, or just demonstrate they understand you’re bigger than they are, you’re in good shape. Then suddenly, they are grown and deep down, you hope for so much more. You’re not happy if they just show respect; you want them to actually respect you. You want them, of their own determination, to consider you worthy of high regard. So instead of writing about how to ensure that happens, I decided to write about a few things they have taught me.
1. They might show respect better than I do!
Unless you’ve spent a lot of time around Aretha Franklin music, we don’t live in a world that shows a lot of respect. Oh, people demand it. We talk about it. We say we respect certain people. But that’s the thing, certain people. It sort of depends on how we feel about them at the moment that determines our level of respect. As children, we’re taught to show respect to parents and grandparents, teachers, youth leaders, police, supervisors, and grown-ups in general. Then, we all grow up and there’s no one to require it of us when someone cuts us off in traffic, tells us “No,” or just does something we think is dumb. Are we as careful when we speak as kids and teens who might be reprimanded for disrespect? Do we measure our behavior like someone who could lose privileges? Think about it. As we demand respectful behavior from our children, do they actually show it better than we do?
2. Sometimes it’s respect and sometimes it’s just being respectful.
This is really the idea I’ve been writing about. As they have grown up, I realize that sometimes our kids will demonstrate authentic respect for us. And other times, they are just being respectful, that is, keeping the peace by not arguing with mom and dad or doing something that would risk disappointment. Don’t get me wrong; there’s a place for both concepts. That’s what I’m talking about. But we don’t really want our older kids to stop communicating and simply comply when they have real questions or disagreements. When kids are young, “because I said so” is enough. Yes, I actually believe that because they need to learn the place of safety and blessing is not in irrational childish arguments with mom and dad, but in obedience. It’s not long, however, before concrete thinking and inexperience give way to abstract questions and adventure. At that point, they’re taking their questions and young belief systems somewhere where they are encouraged to speak up. You want to be included in that, right? I could have done better here. Carrie was better with our kids at this transition than I was.
3. They might not know how to deal with you, so you need to show them.
My family was recently discussing a certain fashion trend. It was fine, no arguments, just some back and forth. A few days later, I wondered if one of the kids had more to say at the time, but you know, I might have spoken in a too-matter-of-fact tone (and possibly judgmental, if other people’s perceptions mean anything). So I asked and it turned out, yep, there was disagreement. It was no big deal but there were feelings that were not expressed just to keep the peace or prevent disappointment. So, I’m still learning to show them how to deal with me because just being respectful isn’t good enough. I want more, and that will require more respect shown back toward them.
Of course, it’s no surprise that Scripture teaches these ideas, too. Children must obey their parents. Both parents and children need to learn this in relation to their roles in the family. But as we age out of childhood and obedience is less required, what takes its place? Adults are told to honor their father and mother. (Yes, that command in Exodus 20 is part of the 10 Commandments, which I have written about here. Christians are not legally bound to obey them but are expected to spiritually apply them.) We don’t expect adults to have to obey their parents. But what parents would not wish to enjoy their kids’ respect and honor?
These years go so quickly. If you’re not paying attention, you can walk a long way down the path of least resistance. That path might lead to compliance, but it might not lead to honor.
You might disagree, and I can respect that.