We know about disagreements: He’s a good leader, but he’s wrong about this. I sort of like that song, but I disagree with the way it says that. She’s good on the team, but I just don’t like the way she comes across to me. This group is my home, but this thing that’s important to me just isn’t to them.
These are some common ways people disagree. I am certain there are more. But what do we tell ourselves when we disagree with someone, but still want to be friends, especially when we’re part of the same group? The following are four reasons our disagreements with family, friends, co-workers, or people at church (or other community groups) don’t have to break up the band.
1. It matters. But the core matters more.
Hey! Let me get to this right away. What you believe matters. I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t care about defining and supporting what we believe about life, the universe, and everything. We’d be pretty useless people if we didn’t care about anything we believe is right or true. But that’s not the point here. Here, the point is just that some things you believe matter more than other things you believe. You have to know what beliefs are most important to you (or shared beliefs for a group) so that you can know what hills you actually will die on and which ones you won’t.
Over time, my beliefs haven’t really changed much but I’m becoming better at understanding which ones are truly at the core. I think we all do that over time, but it would be better to do that sooner than later. Basically, there’s only a few ideas you can put in the “break up zone” on the importance-o-meter. You shouldn’t betray core beliefs, but you should carefully consider what belongs in the core.
Also, when thinking about belonging to a community like the church, understand it must have room for at least some different views. Be careful of defining the group too narrowly, or you’ll find the group smaller than intended or needed.
In the end, I won’t let every issue become a primary issue.
2. It matters. But people matter more.
With the previous point in mind, there’s another reason my disagreement won’t break us up. People matter more than my need to prove that I’m right. I wouldn’t know about this one but I hear it’s a struggle for some people. (If you believe that one, Hi, I’m Eric. I don’t think we’ve met before.) We were built with a powerful urge to prove ourselves. If that urge leads you to run over people, use hurtful words, belittle others, or otherwise bring people down to prove your point, then that urge needs to be beaten back and replaced with the need to respect and dignify people.
What you believe matters but you shouldn’t devalue other individuals to prove it. I’ve been to my share of funerals and people don’t get eulogized for always being right and their willingness to alienate others to show it. We’ll be remembered for how much people mattered to us.
In the end, I won’t let my urge to be right cancel the need to be kind or gentle.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1, NIV)
3. It matters. But the mission matters more.
This one is especially true for church relationships. It applies, however, to any disagreement within a group context: church, work, community interest, even families. What brought you together in the first place is probably still important enough to keep you going. When we look at what we’re trying to accomplish together, at what needs us to work together, what can’t be done alone, it makes many disagreements seem less important. Sometimes we just don’t see eye to eye on some things. But on the mission, or the purpose of what we’re trying to do, we agree.
Agreement on a common purpose is sticky, i.e., it holds people together. We need to remind each other of that mission so we don’t elevate the negotiable methods of doing it too highly. What you think is best matters, but you should not prevent focusing on the mission to get it.
In the end, I won’t let disagreement about how to do things overshadow why we’re doing it.
4. It matters. But harmony matters more.
Let’s see. How can I say this? Well, have you ever thought that you could be wrong? Of course, nobody thinks they are wrong in the moment, but sometimes we see it looking back. The more people in the group, the more ideas, beliefs, and preferences there will be. Disagreements happen and sometimes you’re the one on the wrong side (or the side that didn’t prevail). No big deal unless you made the kind of fuss that’s too hard to walk back from. How do you want to look when you’re the one who got it wrong? Even so, how do you want to look when you’re the one who “wins”? Will the way you disagree hold the group together or break it down? Again, what you think matters, but how you present it should not destroy the unity of your people.
I try to remember that there are a lot of people I respect out there who view things differently. Am I ready to judge them? Would I be better without them? They could be wrong or missing something in their view, but so could I. Or, we could both be missing something!
In the end, I won’t let pride separate people who ought to be together.
I’m sure there are more than four reasons not to break up the band when there’s disagreement. These four stand out to me and I hope they can help you, too.
What did I miss? Comment with your reasons why disagreement won’t break us up.
I couldn't agree with you more