Hi. I was absent last week because of a different writing project, and even now I’m short on time. But I wanted to get something out there this week, so I’ll work with something I’ve been thinking about for a while.
What are you so mad at?
I’ve always loved the scene in Seabiscuit when Red Pollard gets so angry that he was willing to lose the race just to chase after the jockey that fouled him and give him a piece of his mind. “What am I supposed to do,” he asks his trainer, “let him get away with that?” The trainer’s response, “Well yeah, when he’s 40-to-1.” The point is, he was supposed to stick to the plan and win the race, not get distracted by personal offenses. In the movie, and in our lives, it’s not about that one horse race. It’s an illustration of the corrupting influence of anger, when we choose to live in an offended state.
So here are some ways to let go of four different personal offenses. As always, it’s not a complete list! It’s just some stuff I thought of, but you can add more in the comments.
1. Drive-By Offense
This might be best illustrated by literal driving examples. Someone cut you off in traffic, or took that parking spot you wanted, or didn’t signal like civilized people. In the case of this kind of offense, you have no relationship with them, it did not do any harm, and it probably will not be repeated because you may never see them again. What are you going to do, fume about it for the rest of the day? Curse them out from the safety of your car? Chase them down and correct them? (Do you really want to be that person?) My recommendation: Forget about it. It is a part of life. Just move on. And don’t forget, sometimes you cut someone off, or don’t signal, or whatever, because you zone out too. Be careful out there.
2. Oops Offense
You live with people. At home. At work. At church. They’re everywhere! They mess up a lot, too. And when they do, what do they say to beg forgiveness and reconciliation? “Oops.” And then they just move along with whatever it was they were doing, even though they know you hate it when they do that thing. In this case, unlike the Drive-By Offense, you do have a relationship with the offender. But like the previous, there was no serious harm, and they might not have even realized they committed the offending act. Let’s say they generally have good intent and try to live by the customary courtesies, personal preferences, and other social niceties that make for good relationships. My recommendation: Forgive without a word. 1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” Someone of good sense and patience will learn to overlook an offense (Prov. 19:11).
3. Hurtful Offense
This one gets a little harder. For whatever reason, in this offense someone has actually been hurt in a way that does not fit in the first two categories. You believe you cannot just let it go without more work. Here you have a relationship with the other person that you want to keep. But they have put the relationship in jeopardy, often by repeated behavior patterns which will harm themselves, you, or others. These behaviors will include disrespect, abuse, unrepentant sin, and more. My recommendation: Pray for humble boldness and direction and discuss with wise counsel. Then humbly confront the offender with questions (not accusations), try to secure a commitment to a better way forward, and forgive if applicable. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).
4. Ghost Offense
This one’s a bit different because, while there may be an offense, you’re not really reacting to it. In this situation, you’re bothered way more than you ought to be at whatever is going on in the moment. Instead, what you’re really upset about is a past hurt that was—dare I say?—triggered by whatever someone said or did in the present. Have you ever seen someone totally lose it, like go nuts, over something that everyone else in the room thought was no big deal? Yeah, their offense lies someplace else. Back in that almost certainly embellished movie scene, Seabiscuit’s owner, Charles Howard asked Red a question that was more probing than it seemed. “Son, what are you so mad at?” The foul on the track was not worth all that anger. It was something else, an offense from long ago that Red still had not dealt with. My recommendation: Read the Bible. Pray. Meditate. And talk to someone, a trusted friend, or counselor. Sometimes the ghost offense was, like, literally yesterday and you just need to deal with it. But sometimes the problem is a bit deeper and more hidden by time. You may need to get help to work through it. But if you’re always more upset than the moment deserves, you may need to consider this.
OK, like I said, there are more ways to look at offenses and I’d love to have you add your thoughts in the comments. In the end, we want healthy lives that are free from unnecessary burdens. I hope these thoughts can help us let them go when we need to.