Kind and True?
Does kindness require lying?
I’ve noticed something but it’s not new. I think I noticed it in the ‘90s. It might not have been new then either, but as a young adult at the time, I might have been noticing more of the world than when I was younger. It was something like this: in order to be nice to someone, sometimes you just have to lie. Really?
For instance, back then I read a book by a famous radio counselor on the Ten Commandments (from Exodus 20). I don’t have the book anymore, but I remember getting this same impression upon reading the section about not bearing false witness, i.e., don’t lie about people. The author seemed to suggest that, thou shalt not bear false witness, in fact means, sometimes thou shalt bear false witness, if you are trying to be kind. I admire the skill, and overall wordiness, it took to make the argument. But the bottom line was a rejection of the plain intent of the command.
Here's another. I cannot say in which episode, but there was a distinct moment when I watched Friends that I remember thinking, “Now I get it. They finally told us what ‘friends’ means.” It means supporting and affirming someone’s actions no matter how wrong, immoral, or false they were. If you’re a friend, in that group anyway, you had to go beyond loving someone no matter what. You had to actually encourage them to pursue saying or doing whatever they wanted.
Much of that has carried on to today. I’ve thought about sharing some contemporary examples, but why? Feel free to connect the dots. Just don’t put words in my mouth because I’m trying to avoid being negative about any group of people in particular. And if you do think of any particular person or group, please remember it’s happening on all sides, even from people like you or me. It’s common to see the “need” to say what’s not true, just to be “kind.” Yep. I used those quotation marks in the previous sentence to show my doubt of the accuracy of the words.
Now, let me share some guiding principles.
Love and kindness require more than words. They need backup from actions in the real (true) world.
“Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” (1 John 3:18, ESV)Jesus demonstrates God’s glory by being full of BOTH grace and truth, at the same time, without diminishing one or the other.
“And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth.” (John 1:14, ESV)People grow into the best versions of who God made them to be when they are told the truth.
“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,” (Ephesians 4:15, ESV)I like this saying, but it needs to be used with discretion.
“Everything you say should be true, but not everything that’s true needs to be said.” (Can’t remember the source.)
So, I believe it’s right and wise to speak the truth, always. We can’t really help people with lies. Lying isn’t kind; it’s destructive. Lying might feel good now, but it hurts later. And yet, there’s another problem. You might have guessed it when reading those principles. Speaking the truth doesn’t give us the right to be mean-spirited. (Why yes. Of course I’m talking to myself first as I write.)
When I look at social media, I see a lot of posts from people who believe they are speaking truth, but are doing it through negative, mocking, and vilifying messages. And here’s the thing. I don’t know who people think they’re sending these nasty messages to, but I definitely have some friends who are actively insulting other people who are also my friends. And vice versa. I’m not naïve; I know not everyone is going to see eye to eye, or even get along. But the way some of us are stating our understanding of truth, we don’t even want to try. And that makes me a little upset because I think we have something to offer each other. And some of us are trying to offer something that matters, for eternity. I’d hate to preclude the opportunity by attacking people about things that matter…less. (Except for open-mouth popcorn chewing in the movie theater. We live in a society, people!)
The challenge (for me too!): From now on, tell the truth, only and always because truth helps people and lies don’t. Tell it with gentleness and humility because sometimes you’re mistaken, too. Tell it without sarcasm or snark, and without negatively taking aim at people as if you want more opponents, haters, or enemies. Tell the truth with encouragement and grace, striking a positive tone as if you want more blessed people in this world.
What do you think? Is it possible? What would it lead to?
Share a comment. What does this make you think about? I’d love to read your thoughts.