OK. I’m a little nervous to go here because I’m not looking to start a fight. I want to encourage leaders (or people who could be leaders) to be the best leader they can be. I totally believe there’s something to strong male leadership. It’s biblical, even. And I also believe there’s been a decades-in-the-making crisis of masculinity. That is, it has been continually represented as either toxic or inept, leaving young men to wonder how they actually become good men and worthy leaders. So, some are trying to fill the gap as alpha—or alpha male—influencers: bullying, threatening, mocking, braggarts, who seem more interested in proving they are leaders than they are in being worthy to follow.
But look, I’m not just writing to men here. The temptation to lead by mocking and threatening is not limited to men at all. And it’s not new. Tyrants come from all sexes and ethnicities, in all shapes and sizes, at all times in history. They show up as those who would rule a nation, a company, a friend group, a church, or a household. So I got thinking about it and here’s my suggestion for leaders, whomever you’re leading.
Lead like a pastor. Assume they can leave if they want.
Now please understand I’m not holding up myself, or pastors in general, as perfect examples of great leadership. No, we’re fallen, too, and I’m sorry if you’ve had negative experiences with local church pastors. But the idea of the shepherd leader is powerful and compelling. I guess I mean we should lead like a pastor ought to lead. And one thing I’ve learned as a church leader is simply this: people can leave anytime they want. But they made a commitment, a promise! They can leave. They’ve invested their time and money! They can leave. And they will leave, eventually, when the leader is a bully.
At work and home, in churches or friend groups, we are all potential leaders, engaged in some kind of influence toward others. Some people are natural leaders; others just follow them. Some have a position or title such that others have to follow them, to some extent. But in the end, following is always voluntary. It really is. Even the person who is “trapped” in their situation will eventually get desperate and blow up, or quietly disengage.
In the end, following is always voluntary. It really is.
“Oh, they can’t leave,” you say. “They need this job.” Friend, they can leave. “They can’t leave the party. They’ve always voted this way.” They can leave. “They can’t leave. We’re married.” Husband or wife, they can leave—maybe they shouldn’t, but they can. No matter your position or rank, you can only lead the people who are there. If people are led well, they will often stick around. If they are led poorly, their chances of leaving increase.
This is why I mention pastors, besides the fact that I am one so it’s a handy illustration. But pastors are people who lead organizations made up almost entirely of volunteers. Pastors can lean on the mission to compel people, but one church’s mission is not going to be all that different from the next church’s. So how do pastors lead people who can leave whenever they want? In lots of ways, including regularly teaching the truth, and coaching people based on their understanding of it. But perhaps the way they lead that is the most encouraging, the most motivating, is by example. The pastor who sets a positive and faithful example in the way he lives his own life, leads his own family, and cares for the people of his congregation is a model of leadership to learn from. Again, don’t get hung up on whether the writer is the best illustration here. I understand I have a long way to go and I’m talking to myself here as much as anyone else.
So leader, I want you to consider leading by example, not by strong-arming but by shepherding. Not by threats but by building trust. Not by bullying but by understanding and edifying communication. Your position is more about responsibilities than rights. And if you’re a leader then you’re responsible for people. When people can leave whenever they want, they might submit themselves to your leadership, but you cannot really compel submission (I’m talking to you, authoritarian husbands and parents). Are you a leader that others want to follow? Eventually, it comes out. When you are, you’ve earned it. It’s personal, you’ve built trust, and people gladly follow. When you’re not, no matter how strong or how right you are, you’ll be speaking into the void because there won’t be anyone around you.