Still Becoming a Parent
25 years, but still little confidence
Hi. Carrie and I have been parents for 25 years. I think we’re starting to get the hang of it. Most of you know we have four children, three adults and one teenager. One is in the early stages of his career, two are in college, and one is in high school. If you’re wondering when you start to feel proficient, it’s not at 25 years. I’ll let those of you with 26 years of experience or more tell me when you do. That’s not to say I’m not proud of my kids or excited about what they’re up to. I am. I am just saying that my confidence as a parent is still lacking.
It’s a privilege.
I do want to share that I consider it a privilege to have raised (or helped Carrie, as she raised) four kiddos in a post-9/11, introduction of the smartphone, social media, and COVID-19 world. The glorious 1980s, it wasn’t. Still, raising a family is a noble and sanctifying experience and I highly recommend it if possible. You can neither recreate your childhood experience, nor totally break from it, and you’re not supposed to. We’re just out here supporting each other through today’s challenges, preparing for the next opportunities, parents and children alike.
You know what else is a privilege? In my role as a pastor, I’ve been able to be around so many great Christian families. But I’ve been noticing something. I don’t know what happened, but young families used to be made up of people the same ages as my family. Not anymore. They’re getting younger. Did you know they let people with zero years of experience have kids!? Yep, just like always. Hey, at least everyone is older than their kids, so that’s something.
I don’t feel older, but I am.
And that’s OK, even good. I’ll confess that sometimes I’d rather be unseen in this world, just minding my own business, left alone and leaving others alone. Who am I, after all, to consider myself “experienced” at anything? What have I proven with my life, especially as a parent? (Again, I’ll emphasize how proud I am of my wife and children. I’m grateful. I just don’t take much credit for their accomplishments. I don’t think I’m unique in this.) But, like it or not, there’s no hiding it. I don’t feel old, not on the inside anyway, but I am an experienced parent. Oh, I know plenty of parents with much more experience, but that’s the point. We’re all somewhere on the experience continuum. Most of us are not in the “brand new” or “great-great-grandparent” stage; we’re somewhere in between, less experienced than some, more experienced than others.
People need people.
We’re all we’ve got. After God’s word, and Spirit living in us, we all need other people to watch, talk to, be a model for, and learn from. When Paul told Titus to teach what accords with sound doctrine, he followed it up with instructions for older men, older women, younger women, and younger men. What was true then is true today. We all need clear instruction from God’s word, paired with models of how to live it out. When we’re younger, whatever that means, we’re mostly in the position to learn from others. When we’re older, again, however you define it, we’re more in a position to model for others. This is the way of things. I could also put it like this. The older you get, the more you’re modeling for others whether you know it or not, like it or not.
Jesus didn’t have children.
If Jesus had children, he would have been the perfect parent. But he didn’t. And that means we have no earthly examples of perfect parents—even if we did, we wouldn’t be able to repeat it. Whatever was modeled for you was flawed. Whatever you model for others, flawed. Give your parents, their parents, the rest of the folks you’ve observed, and yourself, a break. This stuff can be hard, and hard in different ways for everyone. By God’s grace, our children grow up to be their own people who make their own choices. They will struggle in their own ways, and they will excel in their own ways, too. Parents are there to guide, not guarantee. And the same goes for the way we model for those with a little less experience.
We’re all in there somewhere.
I’m not even close to “old.” But 25 years of experience and countless hours of practice has to mean something. If you’ve parented longer than me, thank you for the encouragement along the way. I’m sure we’ll continue to talk more. If you’re a little less experienced, Carrie and I hope to be a decent example, and we’re here for you. Maybe you have young children, older children, adult children, or grandchildren. Maybe you have “kids” who aren’t really yours, but who look up to you like a parent. Everyone is a model for someone. We’re all we’ve got. And that means you matter. Broken? Little confidence? Regrets? You still matter to someone who needs to learn from your experience.
What’s one unexpected way that more experienced parents (your own or others) encouraged you? What’s one way you can share your experience with younger parents?
My husband actually found the original text:
It has been my experience that, in times when we as parents are faced with the dilemma of how far to push our children, that we err on the side of compassion rather than forcing them beyond their limits. That isn't the same as being soft on them. There is a time to make them do hard things. But in the end, he will remember that you heard him and had compassion on him...which sounds a lot like what God does for us.
I definitely feel inadequate and like I'm messing up a lot as a parent. There have been countless times that I have been encouraged and loved on by other mothers. But one stands out for me, as it was one of the most difficult days for Sean and I. When G was younger he was struggling to go to his 4th surgery for his foot. We were feeling so helpless and out of control. Not being able to " make him go" wanting to force him, but knowing how strong and brave he was and has been not wanting to break his spirit. We reached out in desperation early in the morning to someone we admire and with more experience than us. I will never forget what she said. All situations are different, but choosing between tough love and grace, your will never regret choosing grace. It may be the hardest thing to do in the moment, but it will have a life long impact.